


three words, eight letters

by howlingsaturn



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Domestic Bliss, Fluff and Humor, M/M, ben is very brave and callum the best boyfriend ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:35:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23243386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: Once Ben has told Callum that he loves him, he can't seem to stop.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 107





	three words, eight letters

**Author's Note:**

> i challenged myself to write 100% fluff and this is the result.
> 
> i also did some research so i hope everything i described in terms of cochlear implants/after surgery care is accurate.
> 
> xx

* * *

my darling,

there's courage in your heart

and strength in your steps

if only you'd remember

that all this darkness

got nothing on you

— _you're braver than you think_

* * *

**ONE**

Ben knows Callum's right, he always is, but sitting on the kitchen table staring at the _British Sign Language For Dummies_ book that Callum has dropped in front of him this morning, Ben can't help but feel severely out of his depth. He laughed when he first read the title and Callum's earned himself a half-hearted jab into his arm but the way Callum pressed a lingering kiss to his hairline before he left for work got Ben thinking. He can't go on like this, it's driving him crazy. And if he does stay deaf for the rest of his life, he's got to find a new way to deal with it.

So he flicks through the book, trying out some signs after he's made sure that no one's looking and he feels so unbearably stupid that he aggressively closes the book a mere half an hour later. He grabs his jacket and heads out, the book long forgotten on the kitchen table. It's not before he comes home that evening and he sees Lexi reading it with intense focus that he realises he may have overreacted. Sue him, he's not the most patient guy. Lexi sees him standing in the doorway, glaring daggers at the book, and promptly sits up straighter. 

"Daddy," she calls out, giving him a small wave to catch his attention, "Are you gonna help me?" 

Ben looks at her for another second, comprehending what she's just asked and then he sighs. Out of all the children in the world, he just had to have the smartest one. It makes him smile. 

He sits down next to her and they learn a couple of basic signs like _How are you_ and _My name is_ or _I need two apples_. It's kinda nice actually and Ben doesn't feel like he's doing it because he has to. When Callum walks in an hour later, he drops a kiss to top of Ben's head and joins them, a blinding smile on his lips. 

It goes on like that for a few days, Ben flicking through the book or watching videos on YouTube with Lexi or Callum. Even Jay and Lola sit with him sometimes, learning a few signs themselves and it makes something in his chest ache with gratitude. He's still struggling with the realisation, some days are worse than others, and no amount of studying or gentle words can lessen the fear of losing his hearing forever. It sits right in his bones, sending a flair of pain through his body with every movement.

He's trying though, he's trying to live his life as normal as possible even though it's anything but. He tries to keep an open mind and find some humour in the whole thing, which is why he ends up making random movements with his hands sometimes just to see Jay's confused face or watch Callum frantically skip through the book to try and piece the single elements together. It makes Ben genuinely laugh every time so they can't even be mad at him.

Sometimes Ben finds himself alone though and it hasn't occurred to him until now, but there's a phase he'd really like to learn how to sign. It's something he's been dying to say, since he's been feeling it for ages but something always held him back. His past, probably. _His fears._ But after everything he's been through, after pushing Callum away and putting him in danger, he's still here. And he never fails to tell Ben how much he loves him, how he's in it for the long run and nothing could ever drive him away.

Ben wants to give back, wants to _say_ it back but things are different now. _He's_ different and he won't even be able to hear himself say it so what's the use in speaking it out loud. No, Ben thinks, he's going to do it his way. Control is all he has these days. 

So he googles and practices until he's sure he's got it right and then he signs it a couple of times every day as if he's preparing himself. He's nervous and scared even though he knows Callum reciprocates his feelings. There's just something about putting his heart on the line like that, reaching into his chest and lying it bare, all of it, and giving Callum the possibility to crush it. It's terrifying. Shivers tremble through his body when he thinks about what happened to the last person he said it to. Ben doesn't think he'd survive if that were to happen to Callum. 

He shakes his head as if to clear his mind, willing the ugly thoughts away. He wants to be brave, just this once. 

So when Callum walks into the kitchen one evening, smiling at Ben like he's hung all the stars in the sky, Ben feels something tug at his heart. Ben looks at him, oddly anxious and insecure and Callum notices immediately. He sits down next to him, turning his body sideways so that he can look at him properly and reaches for his hand, tangling their fingers together.

"You okay?" 

Ben sighs and squeezes his hand, his mind all over the place, but looking at Callum and seeing the way his forehead crinkles in worry, Ben forgets all about his fears. This is Callum. The same Callum who's been with him to every doctor's appointment, who's encouraged him to learn sign language and who's always come back, no matter how far Ben has pushed him away. He's not gonna run and he's not going to suffer because of Ben, not anymore. Ben will make sure of that. 

So he takes another deep breath in, allowing a small smile to spread on his lips and when Callum raises his eyebrows in question, most of his worry gone, Ben begins to sign. He points to himself first and Callum's eyes drop to his hands. He then brings his hands to his chest, one resting over the other, and he keeps them there for a second. Callum's gaze flicks between his hands and his eyes in concentration, trying to figure out what Ben is saying and it makes Ben smile even more. He breaks the hold and points to Callum, confusing him even more.

The frown in back between Callum's brows and Ben rolls his eyes a little, cheeks warm. He signs again, slowly and deliberately, and when he reaches the last step, he presses his palm to Callum's chest, right above his heart. Callum looks down and then up and something in his head clicks, Ben sees the realisation clearly. 

Callum swallows and clears his throat, clutching at Ben's wrist again his chest.

"Does that mean what I think it does?" 

Ben tilts his head a little, smiling, and after a moment he nods. The grin that spreads on Callum's face is blinding and the knots that were previously in Ben's stomachs loosen into a thousand butterflies. Callum leans forward and kisses him, hands reaching up to cup his cheek and Ben hasn't felt this giddy in quite a while. 

Callum pulls back a little, breathing against his mouth as he speaks. 

"I love you too." 

Ben doesn't really hear it but he feels the way Callum's lips curl against his own. It's spoken so gently and quietly that it doesn't make Ben's skin crawl like every other sound does. Resting their foreheads together, they stay like that for a while. Ben feels like a weight has been dropped off his shoulder and his chest no longer feels tight around his heart. He's been wanting to say them for so long, it seems like he can't tell them often enough now. So if Ben signs it every time Callum so much as looks at him, no one has to know. 

**TWO**

It's the evening before the surgery and Ben has been lying in bed for hours now, staring at the blank ceiling in silence. His heart is pounding, his skin itching and he can't seem to calm down. There's a thousand thoughts in his mind, pulling and tearing until Ben feels dizzy and he has to close his eyes against the nausea. 

The bed dips next to him and Callum shuffles close, wrapping an arm around his stomach and pressing a kiss to his shoulder. He doesn't say anything for a while, simply lies with him in silence and Ben takes comfort in his proximity, breathing in the tranquility he finds in Callum's space. 

"Are you scared?" Callum eventually asks, breath fanning against Ben's cheek and his voice is so quiet that Ben can't even try to make it out. He turns his head from the ceiling and watches Callum's lips as he repeats himself. Ben sighs when he understands, diverting his eyes again. 

"Honestly? I'm terrified." 

They're quiet for a long time, Callum not knowing what to say and Ben lost in his own head. This surgery might be his only chance of getting his old life back, of being able to understand what the people around him say. He can live with being partially deaf but no hearing at all? Ben thought he'd be able to grow accustomed to it, it's not so different from what he's used to, right? _Wrong._ Oh, he was so damn wrong. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat he turns to Callum and his eyes are already there, warm and comforting, and Ben reaches for his arm like a lifeline. Callum squeezes him tighter, shuffling even closer and pressing the line of his body to Ben's side. He holds him for another moment and then Ben begins to speak, quiet and broken. 

"What if I don't get to hear your voice again?" He asks and Callum's heart aches. "What if I don't hear Lexi's voice ever again?"

"You will," Callum argues and Ben shakes his head, turning away again. Callum doesn't know what else to do, doesn't know what to say to make Ben believe and so he holds him close, a silent promise that he's not gonna leave, that he'll be there no matter what. Ben holds him just as tightly, tilting his head so it's resting against Callum's own, his arms blanketing Callum's on his stomach.

They stay like that until Ben's breathing evens out and Callum's sure he's asleep. It's not until then that Callum takes a deep breath of his own, trying to calm his racing heart. He squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to stay calm and focused. 

_Surgery is gonna be a success_ , he tells himself, over and over again like a prayer, hoping someone up there can hear it. 

Ben begins to shift then and Callum blinks his eyes open. He looks down to find Ben stroking over his knuckles with his thumb, apparently trying to catch Callum's attention. 

"What are y--"

"Shush," Ben interrupts him, waiting for Callum to settle. Callum sighs but cuddles back into his shoulder, closing his eyes again. On his next exhale Ben begins to move his thumb more deliberately, drawing letters into every patch of skin he can reach. He repeats the movements several times, making sure to draw them in the exact same manner:

An _I_ into the crook of Callum's elbow, followed by _l o v_ and _e_ into the mid of Callum's forearm, a _y_ into the soft skin of his wrist and down until he writes the final two letters _o_ and _u_ onto the back of Callum's hand. 

When Callum's brain catches up, he turns his hand sideways so that Ben's thumb presses into the palm of his hand and then he waits until Ben's other fingers follow, lacing them together loosely. Callum presses another kiss to Ben's shoulder and strains himself up a little to graze the second kiss against Ben's cheek. It's his way of letting Ben knows he reciprocates the feeling.

Fear untangles its poisoned claws from Ben's heart and when he falls asleep a few minutes later, he feels peaceful. No matter what happens tomorrow, he knows he will not be alone. 

**THREE**

Ben blinks his eyes open heavily and when Callum's smiling face comes into view, he releases a breath of relief. Callum signs to him, telling him that the surgery went well and Ben smiles. His doctor comes in then, telling him about the surgery and what's going to happen next and Ben feels giddy with it all. 

_I'm going to be okay,_ he repeats in his head until his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. He knows he needs to be patient, take it easy and allow his body to heal but still, he can't help but be excited. 

He's send home the next day and he spends the following 3 weeks recovering. Callum stands by him the whole time, taking care of him and the incision, and the day of the activation comes quicker than expected. 

Callum holds his hand the whole time and when the implant is finally activated Ben feels a little disoriented at first. There's only odd and singular sounds, reaching different volumes and intensities, and it takes Ben a few minutes to grow used to them. The audiologist looks over at Callum then and Callum jumps into action immediately, squeezing Ben's hand and calling out for him.

Ben's head turns immediately, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. 

"Can you hear me?" Callum asks and after a few seconds of silence, Ben nods. 

"Yeah?" 

Ben nods again, more confident this time, and when a huge smile spreads over his face, Callum has to blink away the tears that well in his eyes. The audiologist does a few more tests and asks Ben a few questions that he responds to with another nod and then he turns to look at Callum. 

"I love you," Ben says out of nowhere, eyes sparkling with joy when he hears himself speak the words he's been so scared of for the past few years. 

"I love you," he repeats and Callum's eyes widen in surprise, the corner of his lips twitching with the need to smile. 

"I love you too," Callum responds and then he leans forward, cupping Ben's cheek in his palm as he kisses him. They break apart quickly, their smiles too huge to be properly kissing but Ben couldn't care less. He's never been more happy. 

**FOUR**

Ben's awake in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling like he's done two months ago but he's not afraid this time, far from it. Turning his head he looks at Callum's sleeping form; his face turned away from Ben, smushed into the pillow as he lays on his stomach. Ben's lips curl into a smile without him meaning to and he flops onto his side, reaching out a hand to rest his palm against Callum's warm back. 

He strokes his knuckles idly over the line of Callum's back, wrinkling his shirt in the process. The fact that he can hear Callum's soft little snores makes something in his chest tighten with gratitude. His hearing isn't perfect, never was and never will be, he's accepted that. There's bad days, a lot of them, to be fair, but he's got his family to help him through it.

 _He's got Callum_. And God, does he love him. Ben has only experienced a love like that once, when Lexi was born. He didn't think he'd love so wholeheartedly and unconditionally again. But Callum's different, he brought colour where everything was dark and Ben realised that loving him and being loved by him in return was one of the best things that could've happened to him. Callum saved him, in more ways than one, and Ben would be stupid if he ever let him slip through his fingers again. 

Smiling to himself, Ben draws a long line onto Callum's back, starting from the top of his spine and ending at the hem of his boxers. Then he draws a big heart right into the middle of Callum's back, smile widening at the memory. At last, he draws a wide _U_ from the left shoulder blade to the right one, his stomach fluttering like he's said the words out loud. 

"Is there a reason you capitalised them all?" 

Ben snorts at that, shaking his head with a laugh. He blushes a little, not having expected Callum to be awake and notice his little shenanigans, and he's suddenly very glad for the darkness in their bedroom.

"I love you too babe," Callum adds, voice thick with sleep, "But it's the middle of the night so go back to sleep will ya?" 

Ben stifels a laugh, grinning into Callum's shoulder instead and his heart sings with happiness. 

_God_ , he thinks, _I'm bloody crazy about him._

He falls asleep with a smile on his lips. 


End file.
